Emotional Healing

Freed from Performance and Pain

July 21, 2016
A woman receives emotional healing from trauma and performance and starts a new life.

In September 2013, I experienced an excruciating pain in my lower stomach in my bathroom that pushed me to call the hospital. I explained my symptoms, and they told me to go to the ER right away. Once I arrived and was examined, the doctor told me that they needed to do an endoscopy to make sure that I wasn't bleeding internally because my blood level was lower than normal. Luckily, I didn't need a blood transfusion. They needed to know the cause of my anemia and stomach pain. During that process, waves of emotions were overwhelming. I felt fear, frustration, and pain—physical and emotional. Everything inside me fought to leave the ER immediately and I asked if I could refuse treatment. The doctor recommended that I stay and I ended up staying overnight for them to do some blood tests and eventually the last procedure—colonoscopy. The good news was I didn't have a bleeding ulcer, and the only thing they could diagnose me with was HP-Pylori, which is a type of stomach bacteria. The cause of it was still unknown. They gave me medications and released me to go home. I was relieved, thinking I was ready to go back to my normal routine. I was so wrong. I lost weight, was very weak, and couldn't drive. I was restricted from certain foods but received His full physical healing after several weeks through prayers and was able to eat everything normally. However, that wasn't the only healing I needed. That hospital incident was the can opener of the inner healing process that God needed to take me through. For over 20 years, I have suppressed my childhood pain (physical abuse and neglect) through endless work and performance until God intervened. I hit a wall. My job at that time was therapist intern for children and families. I've also worked as a counselor for high school students for two years. However, you can only help people as far as you can help yourself. As I attempted to go back to work, I would have an emotional breakdown between clients. My supervisor suggested that I take a break and see a therapist. That traumatic hospital experience caused me to go on medical leave for two to three weeks.

During that time, I was extremely depressed because my identity had been built on a false foundation of accomplishments and work. I spent six years getting my M.S. degree in counseling and went to work right after I finished school So the moment I couldn't do anything but lie in bed, I felt useless and worthless. I was suicidal because I didn't know how to cope with such unwanted pain. One time while driving, I cried so much that I had thoughts of letting go of my steering wheel. I desperately needed something bigger than me. I grew up in a Christian home but never fully trusted God with my life and heart until He stripped me away from everything I held on to. Finally, it was between me and Him. No relationship or therapist could help or save me. I knew at that very moment that if I didn't let Him heal me and teach me forgiveness, then my life would only stem from brokenness and denial. I decided to recommit my life to Him in November 2013, and that's when His healing and loving hands transformed me. The year 2014 was a painful year of healing or as I call it a "heart surgery" that was necessary for me to enter into His purpose in my life. I was in bondage, but He freed me from my childhood pain, anger, grief, and unforgiveness towards my mother. He renewed my mind, restored my identity, and redefined what love is to me. In February 2015, the Holy Spirit prompted me to go back to Bethel (after eight years) to visit. I listened and that weekend wrecked me. I experienced the Father's love in such a real way that I felt His strong tug in my heart to move to Redding and start a new chapter with Him. I was scared and overwhelmed, but couldn't silence that calling. I went back to visit Redding two more times that year and He gave me all the confirmation I needed. I just knew He didn't call me to the school. I quit my counseling job back home and, in August, moved here without an agenda. I was nervous, but more excited for the things He had in store for me.

There was one thing He knew I needed to get plugged into at Bethel that I couldn't get anywhere else—the dance ministry. Growing up, I always had a passion for dance and could never take my eyes off of the dancers every time I was at Bethel. It was one of my deepest/biggest dreams to one day dance for Jesus at Bethel, but didn't think of pursuing it anytime soon. When I heard that they were offering dance classes, I e-mailed Ann, the dance director, asking when the class would start. A few days later, I felt led to ask her about the dance ministry, not knowing what was her response. We met up, and she informed me of the dance internship they have that would require a 6-month commitment. I was speechless and couldn't help but say yes to it. Before I moved, He showed me a picture of me skydiving and said it may look like I'm jumping into nothing, but as I jump, He'll catch me. And He did. Within less than a month and a half, I was part of the dance internship and got a job as a teacher's aide for children with special needs. As fearful as I was, thinking I wasn't ready to go on that stage, I knew that it was He who qualified me, even when I felt unqualified. I wept as I began to see His story unfold. I started dancing on Friday nights as He gave me the space to glorify and worship Him for all that He's done and to release all that He has put inside of me. It was everything but a performance. My testimony has been a dance of praise. Eight months later, I graduated from the dance internship and was released by Ann to flag every Sunday at the 8 a.m. service. I was in disbelief. Never in my life could I have imagined how fast He would fulfill my biggest dream and turn my life from mourning to dancing. He has taken me out of death and into abundant life. Today was my very first morning flagging at the 8 a.m. service, and I couldn't stop crying. All that came to my mind was how He had taken me out of the hospital bed and placed me on the Bethel stage to glorify His name in less than three years. He deserves the glory and all of me. My life is a testimony of His redemption, restoration, and resurrection, a story of stepping out of the wilderness and into His Promised Land. He healed me from depression and suicidal thoughts and gave me hope and everlasting joy. He reconciled my relationship with my mother, and I no longer feel anger and unresolved pain. I learned how to love freely without fear of being hurt. I haven't had any stomach problems since then and am completely healthy without any food restrictions. He taught me that I can trust Him with my heart and dreams. Today I am a living testimony of Ecclesiastes 3:2-4: "A time to heal, a time to break down, a time to build up—a time to weep and time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance." HE IS ALIVE!

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